Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I don't care how I die just as long as it's my fault.

   The words "Haters" and "Swag" are overused by the people who have neither

   Living alone means never having to close the bathroom door or having to spray air freshener when you're done.

   I bet the people that really died yesterday got up to Heaven and was like "WTF?? Where in the heII is everybody else"??

   Let's put Congress in front of Oprah...

   The internet: where everything is cats and God forbid you make a grammatical error.

   I've had pizza boxes stay in my life longer than some women.

   Today is going so slowly my life is flashing before other people's eyes.

   To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girlfriends.

   Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”

   UPS delivery guys don't like it when you go up to their truck and order an ice cream sandwich and a bomb pop.

   The people in horror movies would live a lot longer if they listened to me in the audience.

   Call me paranoid but I don't trust brown towels.

   Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

   God created the world in 7 days but took 9 months to create me. So clearly I’m a big deal...

   Chicken pot pie.... the three things I love the most

   Hi, I'm Morgan Freeman. You're reading this in my voice aren't you?

   it rude to throw an Altoid in someone's mouth while they are talking?

   I hate it when my nap gets interrupted by a pedestrian slamming into my windshield.

   has discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken! So I guess there is no point bothering with hash browns then