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I'd rather pump a soap dispenser a thousand times to get a trace amount of soap than spend the same amount of time refilling it. 
Playing hide and seek with boredom... I found it!
just hacked into Santa's computer. All corporate executives will be getting coal this year.
I'm no volcanologist but has anyone tried throwing in a few virgins?
thinks if Cap'n Crunchberries can do an "Oops! All Berries" version of their cereal, then why can't Lucky Charms do an "Oops! All Marshmellows" version?
Please don't get your last minute presents from a gas station. If you do remember Grandma gets the candy or the beef jerky not the condoms. Don't ask me how I know this.
Every day of my life is like an episode of LOST, something crazy always happens and I never have any idea what's going on.
..is having car problems. The car won't start and the payments won't stop.
helping senior Citizens...one Cougar at a time.....
How did Miley Cyrus get a pack a day smoker voice at 18?
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Well,,, Maybe lactose isn't so tolerant of you, either.
Me: "I'm here for the hookers and the booze!!!" Her: "Sir, this is a library." Me: *whispers... "I'm here for the hookers and the booze."
BREAKING NEWS: Reports seem to be premature that Barack Obama's nomination to replace Eric Holder will be Flavor Flav.
I sure could help a lot of needy people if I won the big Powerball draw. Mainly sales people needing a commission, but still...
I don't why they shot that gorilla at the Cincinnati Zoo. He was doing a better job at watching that lady's kid than she was.
.... If gun control worked then Chicago should have transformed itself into Mayberry by now.
Finding a girlfriend isn't difficult...Finding a girl that you WANT as a girlfriend is where things get tricky.
I told my kids that if they are old enough to fertilize eggs, we aren't going to color eggs for easter.
all of my recipes for success end up with me on the floor eating cheese
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