Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   You had me at an extra hour of sleep.

   Do you ever look at girls' pictures on facebook and feel them up with your cursor??? --uhhh, either do i!

   If you have to have a job as host of are you smarter than a fifth grader. Then you just might be a terrible comedian.

   The latest breakthrough in single-ply toilet paper ? My index finger.

   If two past lovers remain friends, it`s either someone is still in love, or someone is still hoping for a second chance.

   What do tornadoes and divorce in the south have in common? .. Either way, someone's losing a trailer.

   Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

   Never trust a Democrat, they have a twisted view of the world.

   Girl on Facebook statues : I want a guy that actually give a s**t about me. Guy on comment : I thought about you while I was taking s**t .. does that count ?

   A woman recently changed her FB status to "got my periods" 20 guys liked it and 30 commented "thank God"

   Remember that there's always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or sexier than you. That would be me.

   was all, "I'LL BURN THIS PLACE TO THE GROUND! YOU HEAR ME?!?" and she was like, "Ma'am, the dipping sauce is *under* your McNuggets."

   Sometimes I meow back at cats.

   Losing someone you love so much is painful but losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much is the worst.

   I'm an angel. Honest. The horns are just there to keep the halo straight.

   If a woman seems sensitive or cranky and you suspect she has her period, do you really think it's wise to ask her?

   Security stopped me at the airport last night. He said, "Do you mind if we search your luggage?" I said, "It depends, what for?" He said, "Drugs." I said, "In that case, no."

   had Homemade Lasagna tonight. The neighbors went to the store and left their back door open

   When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the fire department generally uses water.

   I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.