Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I tried to log on to the Obamacare website today. I don’t think I'm doing it right. I lost 300 bucks playing Texas Hold 'Em.

   I can always tell who hates their spouse by how much they post about loving their spouse...

   I knew my Girl was cheating on me when she said she was at the mall with Chelsea but Chelsea was laying right next to me. SMH

   My girlfriend likes sticking her breasts in my face, then asking for something really expensive. She inevitably gets what she wants! This, my friends, is what's known as a booby trap!

   Billy has 16 slices of Bacon and Tommy takes 50%......What does Tommy have................A stump......Tommy has a stump

   I don’t understand why Walmart has a problem with me bringing my dog in the store. He’s better behaved, smells better, and less likely to take a crap on the floor than 95% of the people here.

   It'd be hilarious to release a gorilla in a gorilla suit at the mall and see the look on security's face when they pull off the mask.

   A fun way to freak out a friend who's engaged is to suddenly take her fiancé's last name & then tag yourself in all of her Facebook photos.

   if you think your job sucks, try being the guy who tests rectal thermometers.

   Feelin tired today,,, I was up All night,,, See,I got into this book,, and couldn't put it down,,, Yeah,, Ended up goin thru ALL my crayons...

   Some of you ladies need to take it easy on the make up. You look like you were the first person to pass out at an Avon party...

   Sometimes when i'm following a recipe and it says to bake at 350 degrees, I will turn it up to 355 just to be a rebel. don't be hatin!

   please let me blow it before you stick it in. (classic nintendo cartridge)

   If you can throw a brick, liquor stores are open 24 hours.

   I'm trying to write a poem for my girlfriend, does anyone know what rhymes with threesome?

   What time does facebook close tonight?

   Let's say you were to date someone for a few months and then they told you that they were actually " married". Is that considered good news or bad news?

   It's a shame that all the people who know how to run the country are all busy driving taxi's and cutting hair!

   Just met the girl of my dreams and then I woke up

   If I were a pilot I would scream "WE'RE GOING DOWN" every time I landed the plane.