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The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner. 
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained. Toothpaste: Hi
Have you ever felt completely calm cool and collected? Yeah, me neither.
trust : is to deal with snakes and to know they wont bite you
All I know is I wouldn't do so good in the wizarding world. Every time I encountered a goblin I'd instinctively punt it.
If the creators of Words with Friends took a peek at my score they would totally accept FUCT as a word.
If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning.
The law of heredity is that all undesirable traits come from the other parent.
I don't know how life is as a super hot chick. However, I have played a lot of video games and it must be similar to when you became invincible to everything in your path for 10 seconds. Just replace 10 seconds with "your entire life."
knows the muffin man.
If you don't talk to your cat about catnip.....who will?
believes : Early to bed,early to rise.....and your girl goes out with other guys.
wants to get his Chill in, but instead is getting his Hang on
The more you think about things, the weirder they seem. Take this milk. Why do we drink *cow* milk?? Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said, "I think I'll drink whatever comes out of these things when I squeeze 'em.
Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
it's been 06837 days since the last time I gave a crap
Attack life, it's going to kill you anyway.......
What's the difference between normal ketchup and fancy ketchup?
now taking applications for the perfect boyfriend. Please leave your credit card numbers and your make/model of pick up truck. (Your name is optional.)...:D
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