Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Don't you hate when you're in bed cuddling yourself and then your hand starts getting frisky when you're not in the mood?

   The saying "More than one way to skin a cat" Probably came from a Chinese food restaurant owner

   From what I can tell, there’s nothing in the city ordinances that prevents me from installing a fence that spells out BITE ME at my neighbor.

   90's road comics can now breathe a sigh of relief that their Clinton jokes are relevant again.

   Bought a crock pot today and suddenly realized I might not be the life of the party I thought I was.

   Just got kicked out of Starbucks for not carrying a Macbook.

   Some call it 'Hump Day.' I call it 'False Advertising.'

   me: "I WISH I NEVER HAD TO SEE ANOTHER FACEBOOK POST ABOUT THE ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE!!"......... election: WATCH THIS

   I watched the Olympics last night....I first watched competitive house remodeling, then Cooking with the nuwave oven, and finally finished the evening off with what I thought was going to be open water shark vacuuming....Olympics have sure changed...

   Welcome to parenting.... Hope you like ketchup.

   Nothing knocks the ego down a notch like buying beer and seeing the words "age visually verified" on the receipt.

   My 5 year old is trying to sell my own M&M's back to me. This guy's going places.

   The night before the 1st day of school is just like Christmas Eve for parents

   I hope the guy who invented speed bumps dies waiting on an ambulance.

   3 Important Events In A Man's Life: 1) Losing his virginity. 2) Getting married. 3) First time he wears a t-shirt in a whirlpool.

   There are Pumas wearing shirts with Usain Bolt's likeness on them.

   Ryan Lochte and his teammates lied about being robbed in Rio, but let’s see how much damage will be done to their careers.

   It’s not that I enjoy hot, steamy showers. I just want the mirrors fogged up so I can’t see my naked body.

   You can't just light a pumpkin spice candle in August you psycho.

   On a scale of 1 to functional alcoholic, where does pre-gaming before my daughter's kindergarten open house fall?