Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   OK. So I danced like no one was watching. My arraignment is next Tuesday.

   I had my GF wear her Starbucks uniform to bed for some role playing. She got my name wrong during thr sex. FML

   Strangers have the best candy..

   If life had a reset button. Mine would probably be worn off due to over pressing it.

   I pride myself on my vast collection of cruel, petty comebacks.

   It's so hot out that gangs are doing drive-bys with water pistols!

   I like to read magazines about parenting. That way, I can learn all the things my parents did wrong and I can go back to them and say "See? This is the reason I am like I am."

   Don't do drugs because if you do drugs you'll go to prison and drugs are really expensive in prison.

   People are like mattresses. You start out firm then end up sagging in the middle.

   A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.

   [after a rap battle] hey how did you know all that stuff about my mom?

   Women who have breast implants have delusions of glandular.

   I hope that people I've hurt can find it in their hearts to forgive me. Those that hurt me, I hope you're aware of yourself rotting away as the earth reclaims your wretched flesh.

   You don't always have to be in a rush. The early bird may get the worm. But the second mouse gets the cheese.

   Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off– The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team

   what if there is no placebo effect and sugar is just really healthy in pill form

   I'm still not convinced that the lunchroom employees working on the Death Star deserved their fate.

   ..... Politicians ..... Proof that crime does pay! OK ... Throw in Lawyers too.

   A girl asked me if I wanted to go back to her place last night. She then proceeded to tell me she lived in a van with four roommates. That's New York City for yah!!!

   Reports say men who post selfies show pyschopathic tendencies. While women who post selfies just wanted to show everyone their "duck face".