Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Dr: You'll be at peace soon. Me: Am I dying? Dr: No, your wife is...

   I put on my pants the same as everyone else. Reluctantly.

   I ordered a genuine leather living room set from IKEA. They sent two cows, some logs and a book of instructions.

   Party at Camp Crystal Lake tonight!

   I've been taught to think before I act so if I ever slap the $h!t out of you, I've thought about it and I'm confident about my decision.

   You can steal my status updates but you should know I lick every one of them before I post them.

   It's safe to assume that more pubes are shaved on February 13th than any other day of the year.

   "You know I'm a dude right?" Are not the words you want whisped in your ear today!

   German Scientist: "I've created a super broccoli to fight heart disease!" American Scientist: "I've created a way to stuff an Oreo inside another Oreo!"

   When I see people running to catch the elevator I'm on I yell "HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!".

   I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers

   Remember that chubby kid that couldn't play sports and was picked on by the kids who were good at it? Ask him how he feels about the entire world of sports imploding.

   Y'all thought the summer was wild wait til everybody walking around with a hoodie and mask 😅 and it's dark at 5pm

   In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead

   My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage. Breakfast is weird at my house.

   When I cancelled my gym membership I had to submit a too weak notice

   I know this isn't the time for this y'all. But Capitol and Capital are two different words

   Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies

   Please pray for all the people at my last job. They're fine but they still work there

   My anger management class can kick your anger management class’s ass.