Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Unlike Rudolph, I don't have to visit the Island of Misfit Toys this Christmas. I work there.

   Sleeping naked is good. Waking up next to that special someone is even better

   I just got fired, but the boss wrote me a really nice recommendation letter. He wrote, “If you get (this guy) to work for you, you'll be lucky!”

   I'm only going to waste 23 hours tomorrow.

   As a fast driver, I have certain rules when I come to a red light intersection with two or more lanes. In order of importance: Never get behind a: 1) A semi, bus or large truck, 2) Drivers with grey hair, 3) A Prius (or other hybrid), and 4) A mini van

   Without Facebook, I probably wouldn't have wished you a happy birthday. ツ

   Civil war divides Libya into Libya Majora and Libya Minora.

   Punxutawney Phil came back out today and wrote a message in the snow. It said, "April Fools!!"

   If HP made weapons there would be no wars because the stupid ammo would cost more than the guns.

   If you're an idiot, punch yourself in the face!

   No matter how funny you are, If I don't like you, I won't laugh.

   It's going to take a lot more than a few “LIKES” on my Facebook page to make me forget what an ass you were in high school.

   Sometimes it's like my wife and I aren't even related.

   What happened to the good old days when words never hurt people

   "No comment" usually translates into "Oh, if you only knew."

   Thanks, confirmation email telling me I've successfully unsubscribed from your emails. You just had to get the last word in didn't you?

   When a man says "I can't find it", he actually means, "Since it is not within a two foot radius of me, I have no clue where it could be".

   Swears to tell the truth..the half truth and nothing like the truth so help me Bob

   I told my wife the best way to get motivated to lose weight is to try on the bikini she wants to wear this summer....She told me to shut up and take it off.

   Rappers always talk about robbing people in their songs, thats why I download all their songs for free. Payback!!