Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I am so sick and tired of your sh!t. You are lucky I am not banging your wife and making you watch... just practicing what I will say to my boss if I win the lottery tonight.

   I'm chivalrous. I always hold the door open for a woman so I can get a better look at her butt.

   Groupon's slogan should be: "Nothing you want but at least your inbox isn't empty!"

   It's weird...I keep hitting the home button on my phone, but I'm still at work..

   Everytime I hear of someone that was attacked by a shark, I think "didn't they hear the music?"

   I bet vegetarians don't even feel guilty eating baby carrots

   Restaurant hosts: Stop asking, we all want a booth.

   Can we stop all this about this Snookie. I doubt many of us give a baboon's bollok about it or her.

   I dont mind going to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is bullsh*t

   My phone is smarter than you.

   Ok, give the Southwest Airlines pilot a break....at least he woke up the air traffic controllers!

   My boss asked why I was so late. I said this guy had lost £20. My boss then asked if id helped look for it, I said No, I was standing on it.

   I gave a pint of blood yesterday. I hate mosquito season.

   I like to show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.

   I have never been a big fan of Mr. Bubble. I find it odd that I'm not allowed to be on a first-name basis with someone who has seen me naked hundreds of times

   There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.

   A paper cut is the paper's way of saying,"If I was still a tree, I would give you a damn splinter,but this is the best I can do"

   Dear Superman, I understand... I have a weakness for a certain type of rock too. Sincerely, Lindsay Lohan..

   When I was a baby I kept a diary. Recently I was reading, it said: Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I am some kind of idiot.

   When you cut the head off a snake, it doesn't die right away, it's still dangerous. The war on terror is NOT over, just yet.