Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   People at work often call me a miracle worker because its a miracle getting me to do some work.

   We all have that one skinny friend that eats more than a fat person.

   I have been looking since 1986, and I still haven't found a highway to a danger zone.

   When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think “They’re killing my family, and I’ll have to fight the attacker naked…”

   Seriously! Just watched a deer look both ways before crossing a road. Isolated incident or beginning of a much welcomed change in behavior?

   If you say "cash money" around me, Don't act surprised when I kick you in the "balls nuts",,,,,,,,,,,,,See how stupid that sounds?

   You had me at, "Hello." You lost me at, "I have a cat."

   Yes Grandma, I'm almost positive Arachnophobia is not the fear of people from Iraq

   When someone says "be honest" what they really mean is: lie to me, but be as convincing as possible.

   Nothing is more beautiful than a smile that bursts through tears.

   A massive meteor hit Russia injuring hundreds. Rihanna insists the meteor has changed & that everyone should give the meteor another chance.

   I'm interested to find out what the police have Oscar Pistorius’s height listed as.

   I would have a lot more sex if it weren’t so expensive.

   just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair.

   if you're absent during my struggles, don't expect to be present during my success.

   god I was so late for work today that I was almost early for my next shift

   : It's Halloween. Let's see how many women in costumes I mistake for prostitutes...

   confused as a Amish guy at Best Buy.

   Stans' Rule #39: When showering at a guest house and your not 100% sure about the towel, DON'T dry your face. Doing so may lead to resentful feelings of said guest!

   You call it leftovers, I call it fine dining for at least a week.