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I love Easter. My unborn children get to play find the egg tonight. 
I like to ask the waiter, "What do you recommend?" then stare him down while I order something completely different.
How come Italian's don't like Jehovah witnesses?They don't like any witnesses.
Just stole Santas naughty girl list! Amazingly its almost identical to my friends list.
Santa wants to know if you have been naughty or nice this year... And if you were naughty, did you video it???
If you had a real childhood then you'll remember Crash Bandicoot.
My heart goes out to all those Frustrated people who are Stuck in Traffic, on their way to the Gym to ride Stationary Bicycles...
Out of all the lies I've ever told, "Just kidding" is my favourite.
Skills can be taught. Character you either have or you don't have.
Mike's Hard Lemonade is basically Kool-Aid with a squirt of Purell in it.
my alarm clock is covered in fur, has 4 legs, a wet tongue-and NO snooze button! :b
Call me delta airlines, cause I cant handle your extra baggage
Take a moment to remember all the Elves that got laid off this holiday season.
80% of my status updates are BS, 15% are bologna and 5% are 100% straight from the heart.
What's the deal with people who hit you up on the chat, then take twenty minutes to type their responses? DELETE.
The longer you stare at the phone before picking the call...The bigger is the lie you tell after picking it up...
I just watched some of the highlights from this years Oscars and I am bit baffled as to why the winners receive an action figure of C-3PO from Star Wars?
If you're a midget, and you don't dress up as a leprechaun and hand out chocolate gold coins for Halloween, then you're just being selfish!!
┐('.'┐) ┐('.'┐) (┌'.')┌ ┐('.'┐) (┌'.')┌ (┌'.')┌ Cause this is Thriiiiiiilleeeeeeer
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome............................. Take your time,,, I'll wait
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