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just seen two homeless people kissing so I screamed "Get a box!!" 
standing on his front lawn with his pants down waiting for Google Earth to come by and take his picture...
not a stalker, I'm just bad with goodbyes.
in support same sex marriages. Can you imagine how awesome Gay Divorce Court will be!!!!
Ladies stop wearing them pajama pants and them dirty Uggs!!
so....I've decided I'm going to write the first Gangsta Rap adaptation of Winnie-The-Pooh....I'm gonna call it 'Tigga Please'....
Jessica Simpson has already taught her daughter everything she knows.
My wife was absolutely furious when she discovered I had untagged myself from some photos she put on Facebook. I said, "They were really embarrassing!" "Embarrassing???" She screamed, "It was our f*cking wedding day you b@stard!"
just opened an envelope with one of those 'glittery' Christmas cards inside, it looks like a unicorn just jizzed in my lap
The cashier is telling me to "have a nice day," but judging by her tone she wants me to "die in a tire fire."
My driver's license says I'm an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
BREAKING NEWS: New iPad Will Do Same Sh*t other iPads Already Do!
My magic watch say's you don't have any underwear on... Oh, you do?... It must be 15 minutes fast.
I got fired from my job at Walmart, because every time a woman bought batteries, I winked and told them "I know what these are for!" Whatever.
in other news, Rihanna was hospitalized earlier after an American Airlines Boeign 747 accidentally landed on her forehead...
I broke a mirror in my house, I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
having a threesome with Ben and Jerry
Huh?! Me fail english? UNPOSSIBLE!!
Have you ever just wanted to kick someone and scream "THIS IS SPARTA!!!"
If God had wanted you to talk more than listen, he would have given you two mouths and one ear.
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