Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   A group of lions is called a pride. A group of turtles is called a bale. A group of my family members is called an embarrassment

   I know it's your Birthday and all but the Starbucks Gift Card thing ain't happening...

   I'm going to trade my truck in on a smart car. Nobody asks the dumbass in the smart car to help them move!

   washing her laundry does not count as making her panties wet.

   Anyone else wonder what happens to Oscar on trash day?

   Michelangelo seems like a genius until you realize he spent hours of his life carving a dude's pubes out of marble.

   Tuesday is the Jan Brady of the days of the week.

   My girlfriend does this awesome trick with a cherry stem in her mouth. She doesn't talk for about 7 minutes.

   I'm saving myself for prison.

   Whenever I have sex I always pretend I'm having it with someone.

   I need a six month vacation Twice a year.

   My day so far: 1) Jumped out of bed 2) Cooked breakfast 3) Ran 6 miles 4) Worked out 5) Started lying compulsively

   Thought I was passing a kidney stone, but it was just a jellybean.

   Some marriages end up fine, the others last forever.

   To this day the clown in Poltergeist creeps me out

   Im too lazy too be fake. Being real takes alot less effort, I dont have to do anything besides be myself.

   Hardware Sign: You can always find something in here to take home and screw or bang..

   My first cup of coffee is enjoyed with silence, thank you for understanding.

   I'm updating my resume and I need your opinion. Which is a more marketable skill: Awesome high fives or mad rock paper scissors skills?

   who decided that paper beats rock? Next time I hear someone say that I want them to hold up a sheet of paper and let me throw a rock at them