Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

   Instead of reading "KIM & KANYE EXPECTING A BABY", the headlines should have read, "KIM GETS KNOCKED UP AFTER HAVING UNPROTECTED SEX WITH KANYE OUT OF WEDLOCK!"

   How do you know when your girlfriend is putting on too much weight? She starts fitting into your wife's clothes.

   In 2013, my first status will be- "Is anyone alive?!

   A man who saved a 10 year old girl from being abducted claims to be an illegal immigrant. Great, now they're stealing Batman's job too.

   If you throw a baseball and hit the Target logo the store drops into a tank of water.

   Dear Genitals, Thank you for not bleeding every month. Sincerely, A Man

   I don't have health insurance, but I do have car insurance. So whenever I get sick I just go crash my car into a tree.

   Has anyone notice on the visit California commercial, Kim Kardashian is pretending to read a Quantum Physics book?

   In an instant it shook our faith in humanity. Watching people run towards the blast in the next instant restored it.

   By saying you want a sandwich after sex you're letting me know you suck at sex because you expect me to be able to walk afterwards.

   Are you gonna eat that... or just take pictures?

   Saw someone try and park a car for about 10 minutes. I didn’t see the person so I’m not going to assume what gender she was.

   iPhone users update:- I'll screenshot it, I'll tweet about it, I'll Instagram it, I'll write a blog about it, I'll delete half of my contents for it, I'll get enraged about it.Android users update:- *clicks update, gets on with life*

   I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

     You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy,the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese,

   Dad, you are like a father to me.

   She didn't find, "Who lit the fuse on your tampon?!?", as funny as I did...

   I never eat in hospital cafeterias. I'm always afraid they'll try to poison me to amp up business.

   I would like to take this time to thank everyone for our VICTORY against global warming. Well done, everyone, well done.......