Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Women ask for advice on what to wear and then end up wearing the exact opposite.. that's why I think Snow Pants and Leather Jackets are sexy as hell on them."

   Strippers are like trees. Instead of absorbing Carbon Dioxide and emitting Oxygen, they absorb Desperation and emit Hope.

   It's My late night and I Forgot to bring my lunch and dinner to work with me. My "things I would do for a Klondike bar" list, is rapidly starting to grow!

   Those who complain the most accomplish the least.

   Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut the BIOTCH up with cookies.

   took the "How good are you at Making love" quiz and it asked me for my phone number

   trying really hard not to make eye contact with the monstrosity of a woman I had a drunken hookup with. . .

   just had my vision checked. My hindsight was 20/20. My foresight is legally blind

   CONSCIOUSNESS: That annoying time between naps.

   madder than a midget with a yoyo!

   If someone has something bad to say about you, it's probably because they have nothing good to say about themselves.

   ask me what I like about you, 15 drinks from now .

   Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison.

   thinks that calling some people "white trash" is an insult to styrofoam.

   Take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back

   To sum up: yes, I cried like a baby during Toy Story 3, even more than I did at the end of The Human Centipede.

   Happy birthday Dora the explorer now we can get you a GPS

   Most folks are gonna stay up til midnight to see the new year in.....I'm gonna stay up to make damn sure the old year leaves.

   You'd think after the 37th take, the director would have realized I was messing up the love scene on purpose. Hey, times are hard. I'll take it where I can get it these days.

   thinks I just stepped in a bouquet of oopsei dasies.