Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Dear "cool people", they didn't name a candy after you, did they? Sincerely, nerds.

   I hate it when I take the time to peek in your window on a winter's night and you don't have the decency to look sexy. Its frickin' cold out here damn it!!

   on my way to Walmart to take the "try me" stickers off the noise making toys and stick them on condom boxes

   trying to flick a booger is quite possibly one of the most frustrating tasks ever.....think you flicked it? think again, it's now on the back of your pinky like magic.

   I'm hungrier than a Floridian Zombie!

   Bud Light with lime??? What's the primary target demographic for that? Rednecks with scurvy?

   Sometimes when I'm bored, I like to lay on my kitchen floor and pretend I'm a crumb.

   Hey guys, I really need your help. I'm trying to patch things up with my ex-girlfriend so I'm thinking of writing her a poem. What rhymes with, "I still hate you, you f*cking b!tch!" ??

   I just heard the local priest singing a bit of "Nuns N' Moses".... "Take me down to the Vatican City where the mass is keen and the boys are pretty."

   Make somebody happy today... mind your own business!!!

   wonders why girls can't get their pictures taken without pursing their lips like little who*res.

   BBC News: Two pedestrians die in collision. Fuck, how fast must they have been walking?

   currently in a status update war with someone who thinks they are funnier than me, that hilarious!

   Just got out of the shower and dried off with a Sham Wow! Think I'll slip into a Snuggie and watch some infomercials.

   SO....we got Charlie Sheen, Tiger Woods, Jesse James, Ben Roethlisberger, John Edwards, Chris Brown, John Mayer, and now Tiki Barber...Anybody else I missed?

   gathering Dwayne Johnson to throw at you...

   As an experiment I'm going to try to see life through the eyes of a man...dammit, I can't stop staring at my a$$ in the mirror!

   Shhhhhhhhhhh, you had me at "open bar" :-)

   It's a total mood killer when you go in the bathroom after your girlfriend and realize she forgot to flush!

   I'm afraid people can see me through my web cam even though its off.