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I wish computer companies would design a keyboard with a removable crumb tray, kinda like my toaster 
My gf just told me that my pecker was two inches bigger that her ex's and that's why she will never go back to a lesbian relationship
The best thing about this status is by the time you realize it's completely worthless it's too late for you to stop reading it. ;)
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how mad are you?
I think it's pretty funny how ppl take pictures of them selfs in bathrooms and then post it on FB
the monoply guy and the pringles guy look exactly the same have you noticed that?
It kind of sucks living in Detroit this Christmas. The economy has hit us so hard, I heard Haiti was organizing a fund raiser for us
Hey Everyone just wanted to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.. If you can't be good....... be carefull.. Have a safe and fun holiday...
I showed my iPad to my iPod, and he was all "what's up fatty".
U know some fairy tales begin with “Once upon a time…” Others begin with “If elected, I promise…”
I'm almost sure she's cheating on me with her boyfriend.
I don't usually pick up hitchhikers but this poor guy looks like he's running late to hockey practice. He already has his mask on.
A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
have you ever ate something so good that you do a little happy dance while you eating it?
+ me on Google+, friend me on Facebook, follow me on Twitter, connect with me on LinkedIn, but whatever you do --- do not talk to me in person.
I feel like I woke up an hour too early this morning
Sunday morning is for sleeping in, having sex, sipping coffee, and eating bacon.
The way I see it, EVERY Friday is Good Friday.
It suddenly dawns on me, I'm gonna have to punch my way out of this nursing home.
Theoretically, you can't really complain if there's a pubic hair on your everything bagel.
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