Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
At least my parents don't show their disappointment in me as much as my cat does. 
Babies are the only ones with enough courage to scream on airplanes.
A snake can shed its skin, but it will always be a snake. Remember that before allowing people back into your life.
In 1900 the Olympics was opened to women after someone pointed out what they'd be wearing when playing beach vollyball.
Never trust people who try and trick you into eating healthy.
If you try something new and you aren't immediately awesome at it, say it's stupid and never try it again.
Man of Steel 2 is in development. So he didn't die? How about a SPOILER ALERT!!!
How often do I use this exfoliating bath sponge if I want to lose 40 pounds?
Used to think drunk texting ex girlfriends was a bad thing than I started sober texting ex girlfriends.
I don't care, therefore I am happy.
When women watch Bachelor in Paradise it's like the television equivalent of microwaving fish.
It's ironic how the sheer number of "customer loyalty" cards in my wallet and glovebox show I'm actually the most promiscuous customer ever.
Wife: You realize it's not Guinness Book of Whirl Records... [Me spinning furiously in an office chair]: Says you.
The Monopoly piece you choose will tell me all I need to know.
Apartment websites should at least have basic info like price, size, and if the upstairs neighbors sound like horses playing musical chairs.
I'm never sure how much ball cleavage to show when I wear my Casual Friday Jean Shorts
The plants outside of your office are plotting to rescue the plants inside your office. Their plan just takes 1000 years.
Just want the casual confidence of the woman who wears her travel neck pillow to the airplane bathroom.
Listen,,, If you're not writing letters to random male prisoners,, you're really not "trying everything" to find a man.
TSA: Sir, you can't bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight... Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
Site Links
© 1999 - 2021 Tjshome.com
