Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I wore some of those khaki shorts with tiny lobsters all over them and my credit score went up 30 points.

   Never watched a documentary about paint drying though I have watched a 4 year old eat 7 peas.

   5 Word Guilt Trip: Just go. I'll be fine.

   A fun thing to do when your co-workers go to Chipotle for lunch is to put up “Out of Order” signs on all the bathrooms.

   You put a couch on your back porch you're considered trashy but put a grill next to it and tent over it and you're rich.

   Two stuffed dogs at the Antiques Roadshow..."Ooh," Said the appraiser, "This is a very rare breed, do you have any idea what they'd fetch if they were in good condition?"....Duh? "Sticks"

   Im must not be a very good dancer. The last time I was dancing, someone jabbed me with an EpiPen

   Nobody on Instagram wants to see your text messages.

   "I've never seen The Notebook or a single episode of Grey's Anatomy." -Me, flirting

   My Facebook account is dedicated exclusively to cow facts and food-driven erotica now.

   If my pizza delivery guy isn't blasting Lionel Richie's "Hello" from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.

   Pretty sure the guy who drives the train at the children's park spends much of his day wondering what went wrong.

   Driver's Ed doesn't prepare you for the heartache of never finding out if the fry you dropped between the seats was the best one in the box.

   Some memories hurt. Like that one time I used a plate as a frisbee.

   So, if 4 out of 5 people suffer some medical condition, does that mean the other 1 person enjoys it?

   You can only say ''WTF?'' so many times a day until you just decide to start drinking.

   If you can't make it down to Rio and want to get the authentic Olympic diving experience, just stick your head in a Porta Potty.

   Going to see Suicide Squad. Hope nobody else is dressed like Harley Quinn because I will feel really stupid.

   Beginning to think that all of these people giving pro tips aren't actually experts in their respective fields.

   If the IRS gave you the option to fight a bear to absolve your taxes I would at least take a week to think about it.