Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Under further investigation, we discovered that crime does indeed pay.

   Career, dreams, meaningful relationships. Pick any two.

   Until this recent Facebook trend I would have never guessed how many people were behind me in line with a gun under their shirt..

   Set the tone for the day by getting out of bed and stumbling directly into a wall.

   If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it!

   The only time I've ever on time to anything is when I'm dropping my kids off to be watched by somebody else.

   All my 5yo does is pretend to be a horse galloping around and insists I pretend she's a horse. Well, today she broke her leg.

   Dear Disney: Please make a a 2,160 hour Pixar movie for my kids to watch this summer.

   Based on my experiences in the New York City subway system, Jehovah's Witnesses are a source of renewable energy.

   If you prefer a table over the booth we will never be friends

   I wish getting rich was just as easy as getting fat.

   Teen Slang Update: "Bye, Felicia" has been abbreviated to "Peace, Feleesh".

   Sidenote #2: Always have your middle finger ready on standby.

   The number of weeks sisnce giving up coffee is directly proportional to the number of people I've wanted to stab.

   Always wanted to be a Starbucks barista, but that takes too many years of college.

   The more money you spend on a trip the less likely your kids will have a complete meltdown.

   Sometimes say that I use Uber just to sound cool, when in reality I took the city bus.

   Only at the fair can you pay $500 for a $12 stuffed animal.

   Overheard inside 7Eleven yesterday, if the hot dogs stay on the heated rollers for 24 hours they become mini Slim Jim's.

   In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.