Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Katie Holmes & Tom Cruise divorcing after 5 years of enslavement. I mean, marriage.

   There are friends, there is family and then there are friends that become family.

   Just because you LIKED my awesome status does not mean I have to LIKE the picture of your food...

   I'm not a perverted stalker, I just want to get to know your better without you knowing.

   I swallowed a quarter once on a bet. And you thought fumbling through your pockets for loose change at the checkout was a pain in the ass...

   There's a few people that I wouldn't mind haveing installed on my driveway as speed bumps..

   poking things that confuse me with a stick.

   Now if only they could find Waldo....

   When life gives you lemons, find a co-worker with a paper cut

   Today is 'National Ex-Spouse Day'. No, seriously - it is. Because you needed a day to remember somone you'd rather forget.

   I passed a heart stress test today when I noticed a spider crawling up my shoulder.

   Crib instructions should come with a warning that you may end up divorced before assembly is complete.

   ..... Well, that didn't solve anything .... Guess I'll just go out and get hammered.

   Fact: If you ask a stay at home Mom how they're doing they won't stop talking for 3.5 days.

   Just bought Gawker for a roll of breath mints and two old copies of National Enquirer.

   Me: Wanna put on our capes and our undies over our pants and go stand on top of a building?

   When I first met you, I got this tingling sensation. Then I realized my phone was on vibrate...

   Sometimes I wrestle with my demons . . . other times they just chase me down the street after I steal money from their wallets.

   Don’t tell me I can do anything I set my mind to. You don’t know me.

   Just want to wish everyone a happy new year!....in case you missed the million posts before this one saying the same thing.