Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Charlie Bucket: It's about time, Wilder. Now do I get the factory?

   If you have sex with someone who likes to be choked, what's the polite amount of time to wait before initiating CPR?

   [God creating bees].. And,,, Put a needle on it's butt... ANGEL: “Come on God, wha—?“... GOD: Oh, and make it's puke delicious... ANGEL:“Can we just call it quits for the day?”... GOD: NO, and I want you to paint stripes on it..

   Just saw a hipster carrying around a phone booth.

   Rick Astley called, he changed his mind, he's giving you up.

   If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing it a Taylor Swift song. You'll die, but the bear will suffer too.

   Women are natural born artists …….. From drawing eyebrows to drawing conclusions .

   Insomnia improves your math skills. You spend all night calculating how much sleep you'll get if you "fall asleep right now".

   Did you know the NFL has announced they'll pledge $100 million to prevent player concussions; still no word on preventing their wives concussions.

   Driving 42 miles to buy the same apples I could get 50% cheaper at the local grocery store 2 miles from my house is the reason why I absolutely love Autumn.

   Son, when I was your age there was no social media. You had to go to a bar and buy endless drinks to be ignored by multiple women.

   Nothing says, "I have a lot of free time," more than someone eating a pomegranate.

   Heard those ruthless and heartless thieves forced Kim K to put her clothes on first before robbing her.

   Can we get judge Judy to moderate the next debate?

   Uber driver explaining he's never been able to hold a regular job as he merges on to the freeway at 80 mph while playing the dashboard drums.

   One of my fave discoveries about adulthood is that there are literally no rules stopping you from eating an entire row of Oreos at once.

   I don't know why people freak out and run when they see a spider. They are just gonna climb in your mouth when you are sleeping anyway.

   When somebody tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to dribble a football.

   When you volunteer at a soup kitchen, apparently it’s “inappropriate” to put out a tip jar.

   I drink to forget that I accidentally once said " I love you" when ending a call with a customer service rep.