Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I'm looking for a woman who'll love me for my money but is really bad at math

   Girls say they want a fairytale wedding but when I bring in the evil witch queens and the enchanted frogs, now she changes her mind

   Single men: To keep on enjoying your carefree life, never utter the words "I DO"

   Hello. HP? I'd like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet and you sent me a printer.

   I already finished my chocolate bunny. Next year I want a chocolate moose.

   Fun fact: Hostess Twinkies are 88 years old. (4/06/30) They were first filled with banana cream filling. But change to a vanilla cream filling do to a banana rationing during WW II.

   "I'd love to be your widow, someday" - me flirting

   ;) A mistress is someone between a mister and a mattress

   Welcome to Assumption club I think we all know why we're here...

   Parenthood is the scariest Hood you will ever go through.

   Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.

   Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.

   Want people to leave you alone this fall? Tuck in your sweater.

   Remember children, the best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother.

   Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.

   Before my surgery, the anesthetist offered to use knockout gas or whack me over the head with a canoe paddle. It was an ether/oar situation.

   If Cinderella's shoe only fit her and no one else why did it fall off?

   There are millions of children starving in Africa. IHOP has a sign that says "kids eat free". So build an IHOP in Africa. Problem solved.

   Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.

   If you're ever dreaming about buying an old air-cooled Volkswagen that's super dependable you can drive anywhere without a care in the world and never have to work on what you need to look for is a Toyota.