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I took the Facebook quiz "Which Sex and the City character are you?" Turns out I'm the bus driver who splashes Carrie in the opening credits. 
I hate it when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick someone in the ass to wake it up.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
People who publicly announce they're "taking a break" from social media, are merely disgruntled that they have only 10 friends and even those 10 never comment.
When i'm Single,all I see are couples being happy.When i'm Dating someone,all I see are Single,being happy.
T Pain is so old now, he changed his name to Knee Pain!
Hey NFL...you should ask Mizzou how they've been getting along since they tolerated all of that social justice protesting! Haha, it's a ghost town over there!
If lemons could talk I bet they would say "Hey! Did you know you have a papercut?"
The first rule of Might Club is maybe.
How come they don't show Breaking Bad reruns on the Cooking Channel?
Wouldn't it be nice if you could adjust the brightness level of people like you can on your TV?
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it? Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
Sometimes I wonder how many times Wolverine has hurt himself sneezing
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
I just had to run my daughter a second bath because the first, and I quote, had a hair in it
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza? ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Me: "Hey, Siri, why do I always mess things up with women?"
Her: "My name is ALEXA..."
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