Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Ever think about some of the things we say? Exactly how does a person "turn up misssing"?

   Dryer broke, microwave works, laundry is now dry.

   In the game of Life, everybody is bald and rides with the top down.

   says that "I call 'em like I see 'em" loosely translated to "Im a douchebag, deal with it"

   Car dealerships greatly over-estimate the allure of tents.

   I think experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

   "No diet will remove all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat. Without a brain, you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office."

   The idea is to die young as late as possible

   I've noticed the drunker women get the more they want to sing hits from the 80s.

   Love is like a beach ball at a rock concert. It's fun for the people that get to be a part of it and just plain annoying for everyone else.

   Man vs. Wild = MAN WINS!!.....Man vs. Discovery Channel = The Police Win!! I can't wait to watch the Discovery Channel Special of the Hostage Crisis on the Discovery Channel.

   Has once again found why murder should be legal.

   The 1960's were when hallucinogenic drugs were really big. And I don't think it's a coincidence that we had the shows then like The Flying Nun.

   36,000 die every year just from regular flu alone in the US,and we are worried about swine flu with just 150 cases all around the world???They are just diverting your attention from the economy that they are f-ing up every day!!!

   a few volts past electrifying.

   going to hell...and coming right back Hotter than ever.

   If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near forty.

   Son, asking for help with his homework: where do I find the lowest common denominator? Me: We look on Twitter.

   How do you accidentally send an inbound missile warning to Hawaii by "pressing the wrong button"? I had to click "are you sure", verify my thumbprint and solve an algebra problem just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.

   Really disappointed to find out after laser eye surgery I am unable to burn down buildings