Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Floyd Mayweather has revealed that his secret to his win over Manny Pacquiao was tips from Usain Bolt!

   Wait, don't go. I can ruin it some more.

   Just got done with my Performance Appraisal and its pretty clear that my boss is clueless to the difference between a 'debacle' and a 'fiasco'.

   I get along best with people who don't get along with people.

   Sorry I kept stopping erratically. I was pumping FU<K YOU in Morse Code with my brake lights.

   I'm not shy. I was just trying to not offend you. But if you insist...

   My resume is just a folded up death threat.

   It works both ways: You're drinking so she looks prettier, she's drinking so you sound more intelligent

   I've worked really hard in my life to not have to hang out with vegans

   X says •••note to self•••- I look pretty crazy talking to myself about notes.

   I noticed you stopped taking your meds. Can I have them?

   Oh, I'm just a social drinker. Every time someone says, 'I'll have a drink', I say, 'So shall I

   Its that time of the year where the work office decides to do secret santa again and this time its under $25....I'm getting my co-worker a pack tooth brush with about $30 worth of tooth paste!

   Bowl cuts will never go out of style. Unless they somehow become stylish first.

   Pessimists see the Glass as Half Empty, Optmisits as Half Full. Rationals see the Glass as two times bigger than necessary.

   after all those years working at the Nuclear Power Plant, Uncle Ron was the hands-down favorite to win the 3-legged race.

   thinks there's no substitute for research quite like making sh*t up.

   thinks the study that came out yesterday saying the more educated you are and the more money you make the more likely you are to drink is wrong.. I think the more you drink, the more likely you are to think you are rich and smart!

   When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, "Give me a table near a waiter."

   I was going to post about being paranoid, but I'm afraid that will lead them straight to me!