Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   How scary stories will be told in the future: “..and that's when he realized HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN.” **everyone screams in terror**

   "They're like, 12" -- The correct way to refer to anyone younger than you.

   Taco Tuesday sends a terrible message to our nation's children. They need to know that tacos are always an option no matter what day it is.

   Dear Girl Scouts, Your Mints did not make me Thin...... P.S.... Please send more.

   My son asked me what it is like to be married, so I deleted all the music on his iPod except for 1 song.

   Apparently "just f*ck me up" is not a proper coffee order at Starbucks.

   My milkshake brings all the cats to the yard and I'm like, "I'll adopt every single one of you, don't test me."

   I drink alcohol because my shrink says I shouldn't keep things bottled up.

   I'm glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It's really come in handy this parallelogram season.

   Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.

   I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning...gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.

   Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn't doing his part of the chores around here.

   Frequent outbreaks of Listeria, Salmonella and E.coli are why I limit my diet to chocolate, fries and red wine. It's just healthier.

   My stuff here is impeccable.. That means it can't be harmed by chickens,, right?

   If you listen real closely to my kids arguing tonight, you'll hear the sound of me pouring a glass of wine.

   Panini is Italian for $14 grilled cheese.... #googletranslate

   I'm terribly sorry, but I just don't have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes so I'm just going to stand here and judge you instead.

   Second star to the right and straight on 'tilll morning! Rip Spock!!

   My wife and I have been married so long that I no longer think about other women when we have sex, I think about pizza.

   This Earth Day, I'm trying to do my part to make the world a better place by making a list of people I wish would move to Mars.