Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, i'll be seeing six or seven.

   starting a chainsaw in the house is a great way to get the neighbors to quiet down. Also good for getting an unruly child's attention.

   I'm so sorry for you loss. Is there anything I can do for you from my phone?

   I like to go on drunk facebook post binges, then claim the next day that someone hacked my account.

   I don't think you're supposed to use the pressure treated lumber to plank your BBQ salmon,,, but girl, your trailer looks nice

   I'm so sad your vacation is over too. Now how am I going to get my "feet by the pool pics" fix in?

   The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5.

   Screw the name "Geoff"! If you're named Geoff go to the courthouse right now and change it to Jeff. Take accountability, make this right

   If you are stalking me, please keep up, I have a lot of errands today.

   I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night.. Next question

   It's like grandma used to say "pass that sh it to the left and don't fcuk up the rotation"

   I'm on this great new diet where I spend all my grocery money on strippers.

   The women at this gym act like nobody’s ever tried taking their measurements before.

   If I'm ever in a coma, promise me you'll slip pizza into my IV.

   Men that wear Crocs have seen every episode of 'Keeping up with the Kardashians'

   I think, therefore I drink.

   In honor of the 25th anniversary of Tim Burton's Batman, a gentle reminder that his batmobile required a grappling hook to make a left turn.

   I have a life outside the internet. But not on purpose.

   "Aggrevation", "Sorry", "Trouble", "Outburst". I think Hasboro knows my relationships.

   Mariah and Nick announced their split. In other news, no one gives a $hit...