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I wish that some conversations came with a fast-forward button. 
Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.
Impotence: Nature's way of saying "no hard feelings"
Arguing with a fool proves there are two.
on a diet, I expected to put on 7lbs last weekend ..but only put on 3lbs, so I actually lost 4lbs...result!!
thinks that the only reason animal rights activists are against fur is coz it's easier to harass rich old ladies than motorcycle gangs.
seriously... who in their right mind puts clothes on a dog?
All of us have moments in out lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.
Remember that age and treachery will always triumph over youth and ability.
thinks you're his smartest and best-looking friend on Facebook. (Thanks for not telling the others.)
Happy birthday USA! On a side note thanks to President Whitmore, Captain Steven Hiller, David Levinson and Mr. Russell Casse for saving us from aliens in 1996!
You know who sucks Aggressive drivers. And cowardly drivers. And slow drivers. And drivers who are not me.
I feel like I hit rock bottom...bouncer at the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night.
the one they are referring to when they say "there's one in every crowd..."
I'm silent by default but put me with someone I'm comfortable with and I'll never shut up.
Frustration is when you bought a new boomerang and notice that you can not throw away the old one
BABY MAMA has replaced the word "WIFE"
"I have 37 pairs of shoes, 23 purses, 9 pairs of sunglasses & an overflowing closet but how dare you waste $200 on that stupid toy!" - Women
It's normally a combination of things that cause bad decisions. The tequila, lime, salt combination is the most common.
I may forgive, but rarely forget. Ok, sometimes the details get hazy but otherwise I'm like a skinny elephant with some serious suspicions.
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