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Ladies: that blood curdling scream you just heard was my warrior cry and definitely had nothing to do with a bee chasing me. 
As a responsible parent, I like to teach my kids that it's not the person you hate...it's their guts!
Congratulations to Iggy Pop who has managed to find a way to look great for his age and terrible for his age at the same time.
My wife hates it when I drink. Or breathe.
You can't control random.
according to my wife, the only time I've ever been right was when I said I was wrong...
The key to forgiving somebody is to remember that not everyone is perfect like you.
The first rule of Marriage Club is there will be a million new rules once you join Marriage Club.
If you're going to take me on a date to a karaoke bar, we better have sex before we go because I'm going to leave you there.
I've reached that time of day between "coffee wearing off" and "murdering my co-worker."
I stopped listening when you said "No."
I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!
Nympho support group meeting, my place, 9pm.
It seems like it's too early in the week to give up, but it isn't.
Just found the first honest psychic hotline that told me I would soon regret giving them my credit card number.
Don't you hate the uncomfortable feeling when you have a really bad cold and one nostril is stuffed up to no avail and the other nostril is so perfectly clear that when you breath in it feels like all the cool air goes straight to your brain.
I feel sorry for the people that actually have Earthquakes today..
How long before a gator eats somebody on that show called Swamp People? "Choot 'em, Clint, Choot 'em!"
Sometimes I text my mom just because the thought of her staring puzzled at her phone trying to find her texts is difficult to resist.
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