Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   My idea of multitasking is getting someone else to do it.

   Game of Thrones is totally going to win the "Most Unrealistic Pubic Hair in a Medieval Drama" Emmy this year.

   Ironically, Internet was made to save our time.

   Vodka can be mixed with anything, including more vodka.

   The only difference between sex and breakfast is sometimes I don't want breakfast.

   Given the choice between a woman and a beer, always choose the woman with a beer.

   Valentine's Day is for lovers. Or for people like us who will celebrate anything as long as there's slutty lingerie and saturated fats involved.

   What impresses me more than your facebook friend count hovering at around 5,000...are the same three people that post on your page.

   if your hot enough, being crazy won't effect luring a man in

   Why does everything at my house involve a battery that needs charging?

   Congratulations, you survived the Mayan Disaster. Please resume your life. Thank you.

   A good relationship is when the man thinks twice before every decision the woman makes.

   Note to self: Do not use reverse psychology when trying to stop someone from jumping off a building.

   My dad gave me some advice a few years ago. He said, "Allan, if you ever get into a fight in the bar, just take a ball from the pool table and put it in your sock." Worst advice ever, I could hardly walk.

   I'm glad there's an "international" sign for choking, because a foreign speaker might think you were just wildly signaling for a turtleneck.

   Whenever I say the word "exercise", I wash my mouth out with pie!

   needs beer and a violent redhead with handcuffs

   Someday i'll live in my OWN basement!

   Time to get white girl wasted,scream wooo at strangers, cry in a bathroom,take a pic in said bathroom flashing a gang sign & call it a night

   Why does your need to pee intensify by a million when you are trying to unlock the door to your house?