Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   The guy that thought of wrapping other food items in bacon deserves an award.

   I started doing one of those 10,000 piece puzzles last night and it only took me an hour to flip the table over and start drinking hard liquor.

   Nobody's life is perfect, but life itself does have perfect moments….

   Friend: "Your phone`s ringing." Me: "Yeah, phones do that..."

   After looking at all the androids available, I think I've finally made my decision. I want one of the fembots from Austin powers..

   i guess its time to get another dishwasher.........there is just so much drama in dating now

   WARNING: Unhealthy relationships may cause headaches, stress & a waste of your time. The cure for this is to be single.

   What's better than winning the lottery? Winning it the day after your divorce comes through.

   when I'm feeling athletic, I go to a sports bar

   / I'm not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there's so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.

   having one of those days where someone needs to be hit in the face with a cactus...

   never do anything you wouldnt want to explain to the paramedics

   The funny thing about driving your car off a cliff, I bet you're still hitting those brakes.

   found a new place to live...it includes all utilities, free meals, gym, arts & crafts...and my insurance pays for it all...The Nuthouse :o)

   I'm about to conquer a mountain of BBQ meat so epic that my utensils are a beach towel, safety goggles, and police tape.

   I'm not saying that I'm a pessimist but I just took a sip of water from my half empty glass and I misjudged the distance to my mouth and cracked the glass on my teeth and I cut my lip on the broken edges and chipped a tooth.

   In Light Of BP's Recent Accident They Are Offering Everyone Free Oil. You Just Have To Come Pick It Up At Any Location In The Gulf Coast..

   Captin Obvious and general stupidty Are in the same army

   doesn't get upset at broken promises; I just think, why did they believe me?

   It would be very helpful to me if the rest of you would please stop striving for excellence. Thanks!