Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   You don't have to be a proctologist to know an @$$h0le when you see one.

   My bank balance is a constant reminder that I'm safe from identity theft

   *At Vision Center. Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see? Me: Well, I'd like to be able to see all of them. Ummm, that's why I'm here.

   Well about time I get in line for that Star Wars movie

   Some women scream when they try clothes on in fitting rooms, but that's probably because they weren't expecting to see me in there.

   FACT: The "sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't" is not really a good defense in court

   the world didn't end today?!?! Boy do I have a lot Christmas shopping to do now!

   Either the world didn't end, or heaven looks a lot like my apartment.

   I am not homeless but alot of homeless things happend to me.

   I use to wonder what'd it be like to read other people's minds....I got Facebook and now I am over it!!

   Never let failure get to your heart and never let success get to your head.

   I have a condition that prevents me from going on a diet... I get hungry.

   There's no WE in pizza. Only i.

   Recent studies suggest that people are more cynical these day than ever before. Like I'm supposed to believe that.

   The Dark Knight Rises.....a porn title that requires no alterations.

   Why has no one invented a device where I can move myself around from place to place while lying in a hammock? I remember when we used to make stuff in this lazy country!

   A teenager's brain is 80% song lyrics.

   gymnists used to look tiny and cute, now they look like they'll kick your @ss in a bar fight

   I was pulled over for driving a Ford Tempo without a cigarette in my mouth.

   I really can't walk the walk or talk the talk but if you need someone to drink the drink, I'm your man.