Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Pregnancy tests should read: You're Screwed! or Keep Screwing.

   You get to a point in life where it would be quicker to tell the doctor what isn't wrong with you than what is.

   There is no "I" in team, but there is a "U" in suck.

   That akward moment when you don't really like your crush. You like the imaginary version of them which you created in your head.

   How come I always get the fortune cookie that likes to be a smart-ass?

   I don't care how smart your phone is, it's not going to change how stupid you are.

   Women's Ass Sie Study..30% of women think their ass is too fat..10% of women think their ass is too skinny..The reminaing 60% say they dont care,they love him,he's a good man & they wouldn"t trade him for the world!

   I got arrested today for feeding some homeless guys on the street, and to top it all off, the cops broke my potato gun.

   Words don't have the power to hurt you...unless.. the person saying them means a lot to you.

   Dear extra fat on my body, You have two options, move to my boobs, or gtfo.

   For not knowing what's going on, dogs sure look embarrassed when you watch them taking a dump.

   I want to start a Super PAC that will pay Clint Eastwood to glare at politicians while they try to sleep.

   VH1 is playing all Whitney videos right now. I forgot about some of these song. Then again, I forgot what a video was

   I'm sick and tired of Pinterest invading Facebook! you need to stay on your side of the fence, we didn't invite you in  our  yard!  Don't make me turn this into the Hatfield & McCoys!

   Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?

   I'm still not entirely sure what instagram is

   Dear children, When you look under your bed, what exactly are you planning to do when you find me? Sincerely, The Monster.

   Diet Journal, Day 4: Going well. Lost 4 lbs already and the neighbor's daschunds are looking less like chocolate eclairs.

   Forget personalized ringtones. I need something done to my doorbell so I can tell if it's family, friends, UPS, Jehovah's Witnesses, or people trying to sell me sh!t.

   Boss just calls me into work for a quick favor & the first thing he asks me is "Are you sober?" I said "Define sober." He hangs up. I win...