Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   feels like a hamster in his wheel - going nowhere fast!

   Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

   that Bud Light Lime has less calories, carbs & fat than 2% Milk...it's not looking good for milk right now.

   I recently met my good friend's dad. All I could think while shaking his hand was, “Gross, my friend came from this guy's balls.” I'm pretty sure it's thoughts like these that separate me from the general public.

   forget to put your pants back on one time coming out of the fitting room at walmart and suddenly you're a "weirdo" who is no longer "welcome" in the store

   The Walkman is offically dead. We had some good times in the 80's, and early 90's. You're in a better place now. RIP

   ■Twitter makes me like strangers I've never met and Facebook makes me dislike people I know in real life.

   tired of reading pregnancy and baby updates EVERYDAY! I don't care if they slept for 4 hours or had their first poopy diaper!

   Dear automatic paper towel dispenser mechanic, could you please program this nifty devise to dispense more than just enough paper towel to dry my pinky..... Thanks!

   Thanks to M&M ads, I constantly hear tiny screams whenever I eat them.

   "Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."

   Just wrecked myself...I sure wish I would've checked myself beforehand.

   Velcro is a ripoff

   Somewhere on earth a woman give's birth to a child every 10 sec! we must find her & stop her.

   Whenever I go near a bank I get withdrawal symptoms.

   surviving this massive amount of "family time" by pretending they are mental patients and I'm their case manager.

   HEADLINE: "American stranded in Ukraine in online dating scam" - I am just glad I have never needed a date this bad.

   Don't wear skinny jeans, if you have no skinny genes.

   at Walmart buying pajama jeans for Thanksgiving dinner.

   One who can promise nothing is Worthless. One who can promise everything is full of sh!t.