Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   "Second coat my ass! -Michelangelo, upon completing the Sistine Chapel job.

   If she owns more than 4 pairs of yoga pants,,, expect A LOT of text messages

   It's been three days since bono's luggage fell from his private jet and he "still hasn't found what he's looking for" Eh?

   My wife wants me to make her scream in the bedroom. The 32 lego pieces & 6 upturned plugs, I've strategically placed, should do the trick.

   Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?... Me: Pfft,,, I could think of like fifty reasons,, I’m not falling for that.

   I never wear a Halloween costume. I'm a character all year long!

   Attention people that only post inspirational quotes: we know you're nuts.

   I’m not being unreasonable am I? My wife has so many shoes the bedroom looks like the outside of a mosque.

   Just wanted to quickly thank Ashton Kutcher for taking responsibility for Mila Kunis' pregnancy. My wife would have killed me.

   Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.

   If my life had a soundtrack it would be the sound of a rusty gate slowly closing and then falling off its hinges onto a bunch of ugly cats...

   I can't wait until all these 100 days of happiness people get to day 69. Maybe then my news feed will finally be interesting

   FACT: I do my best proofreading after I hit send.

   All I want for Christmas is you... Just kidding I want Money

   I found chocolate in the couch. No,I don't know how long it's been there. Yes,I ate it.

   Bye, bye, Miss Alaskan Pie. Rode my Ski-Doo, To the igloo............................... This was a dumb idea, Sorry

   Hubs: If you could sleep with... Me: THOR!!! Hubs: ...the fan off tonight, that'd be great. Me: Ohhhh...

   Those annoying "live chat" customer service pop-ups go away if you ask them what they're wearing.

   The Girl in front of me at Starbucks just asked if they have Pumpkin Spice lattes yet... But don't worry ... I pulled off her Uggs & beat her with them.

   'Don't worry. I'll hold all your stuff. You just worry about making friends' - Fanny Packs