Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   In 1969, nearly 600 million people tuned in to watch Neil Armstrong walk on the moon. Now we have 'The Bachelorette'.

   MTV has announced the cancellation of the show "Jersey Shore." Please join me in a moment of silence. OK, that was too long.

   We will probably never understand why girls fall madly in love with douchebags.

   The only thing worse than having it rain after you wash your car is have to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.

   I found a penny today and it reminded me of my ex...worthless and in everybody's pants.

   3 shots of vodka can erase 8 hours of rage in 15 minutes. That’s all the math you really need to know.

   Men, if you're looking to spoil your lady this christmas, make sure there's WIFI in the kitchen, chicks love WIFI in the kitchen.

   I liked Red Dawn the first time I saw it 28 years ago when it was called "Red Dawn".

   I drove so bad today that the voice from sat-nav said " pull over I want to get off"

   after a facebook arguement with you, I delete everything I wrote so as to make you look like a crazy stalker

   A narrow mind and a wide mouth usually go together.

   Just got this porn called "Hot & Horny Housewives 3." Do you think I will understand what's going on if I haven't seen 1 and 2?

   when you see a super hot girl on a dating website, you know she's a train wreck...

   Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men Eve could have married, and she didn't have to hear about how well Adam’s mother cooked.

   I hate when people come over and they're like "Do you have a bathroom?" No...we sh1t in the yard!

   Its all fun and games until the K9 unit shows up and they tell you to pop open the trunk ツ

   Going to Mexico. What outfit best says: "My family won't pay the ransom."

   Dear Liver, The drinking will continue until your attitude improves.

   I like it when everyone posts on Facebook what they are cooking for diner...it makes my decision on who to drop in on so much easier.

   The best part about being a pathological liar is flying my helicopter to my private island.