Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Just because you are chubby and heartbroken doesn't mean you must sing Adele's song on Karaoke.

   Every time I get dressed I make sure I take a second to ask myself, "How will this look stepping out of a time machine?"

   Highways need 4 lanes per side. A Nascar wannabe, a normal driver, an old people who drive 30 in a 70 and a where the hell am I lane.

   ..have you noticed that when you take "the" and "IRS" and put them together,it spells "theirs"?

   Being called beautiful is miles better than hot or sexy..

   Tonight right before LeBron makes his announcement, Kayne West is going to jump on stage, grab the mic, and say "LeBron, LeBron.. You're a great ball player, but Michael Jordan is the best of all time." Then jump off stage.

   Did 4000 eyelid lifts today.......I am tired. time for bed.

   Moving sucks! Why hasn't anyone invented Copy and Paste for real life?

   would if be cruel to kidnap a man and keep him for purely sexual reasons?

   I have 2 tons of that white global warming arctic packing material in my driveway right now going by the undercover name of "snow".

   People need to realize that they cant control wether or not their partner cheats on them.

   trying to decide whether Scooby Snacks or a can of Popeye's spinach would help more in a fight

   Peyton Manning's forehead is large enough to show an Imax movie.

   Another epic rematch coming up. The US vs Canada in men's Olympic hockey. The loser gets to keep Justin Beiber!

   We played a lot of "Keep The Balloon In The Air" as kids,,,, a game known to most other people as Being Poor.

   My wife is in a bad mood. I think her boyfriend forgot their anniversary... Way to go, dude. Now we all suffer...

   Not to brag or anything,,, but I got the high score on my bathroom scale today.

   The way my kids act at Walmart, it's just a matter of time before the security camera footage is a hit reality show!

   Well I failed my drivers test today. The instructor asked me what I do at Redlights, and I said, "Text and Facebook"

   I could've sworn my last status update was funny, but I won't argue. You guys know best.