Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I rather have an enemy who admits they hate me, instead of a friend who secretly put me down.

   Having great sex after a long dry-spell is like a car accident. The next day you're sore in places you wouldn't think possible.

   WEED IS BAD! We should burn it.

   does this update make my status look fat?

   A woman gave birth shortly after finishing the Chicago Marathon on Sunday. And that's why I don't jog.

   : If you have ever seen me drunk, click the 'like' button... 30 or more likes, you have a problem.

   Apparently, Emma Watson is to star in the movie adaptation of Fifty Shades of Grey. If this turns out to be true, by the end of that movie my peni$ will be fifty shades of purple.

   To Sandra Bullock.. Dear "Miss Congeniality", I suggest you come up with a "Proposal" to figure out a good "Time to kill" Jesse James so you won't be "Blindsided" again....

   regrets to inform you that due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

   I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

   lmaoshmsfoaidmt = laughing my ass off so hard my sombrero fell off and I dropped my taco

   If you get a booty call at 3AM.…. You probably weren't first on the list.

   If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, there would be world peace for at least 4 hours.

   Tomorrow Facebook will change its settings to allow zombies to come into your house while you sleep & eat your brains with a sharpened spoon. To stop this from happening go to Accounts/Home Invasion Settings/Cannibalism/Brains & un-check the "Tasty" box.

    Ugly people: Don't play hard to get, you're already hard to want.

   Mummy I'm 16, Can I wear a bra? ..... No Justin.

   my 7 year old is all "F*ck homework!" and I'm all "I didn't adopt an Asian baby for you to suck at school!"

   i renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

   i compare my last relationship to Forrest Gump and Jenny. I was retarded and she was a w*ore...

   I buy all my guns from a dude named T-Rex........... Yeah He's a,,, small arms dealer