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I like to skip my digestive system and just place my Chipotle burrito directly into my toilet. 
I've been keeping this a secret for almost a year now because I didn't want to lose friends: I don't work on Mondays.
Got kicked out of a Gatorade convention. I guess standin behind the women and whispering "is it in you?" was the wrong thing to do.
You know what I like most about people? Pets.
Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow.
When I have complicated problems I always ask myself, what would my imaginary wife do? And then I end up buying myself cupcakes, and shoes.
Just remembering some of my elementary school days and chuckled when I remembered how sitting “boy, girl, boy, girl” used to be a punishment.
This is a list of people who asked for your opinion.................
If more people knew what guys did with socks they'd stop giving them to their dad as gifts.
- My wife got us tickets to The Nutcracker for tomorrow night, so at this point I'm rooting for the Mayans.
BREAKING NEWS: Dora the Explorer suffers a heart attack after discovering Google Maps.
Relationships are kinda like hamburgers on TV. They look good, but in real life, they're not that great.
Serious question: do the Kardashians breed like humans or do they lay eggs?
My favorite Lil Wayne song is the one where he sounds like a confused 8 year old with aspergers reading the list of toppings at Cold Stone.
Allergy season must be near... blooming idiots are everywhere
FYI - Valentines Day is only 5 days away... It's not too late to break up.
The problem with the general public is that it's made of people.
Dogs have it so easy, they don’t go through the tedious process of three dates, they just have to smell each others asses.
Tell a girl a million times she's not fat, she’ll never believe you. Call her fat once she’ll never forget it. Most untold secrets
Next years VMA's: someone will actually get pregnant on live TV
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