Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   congratulations on your 100th problem jay-z!

   People always look for that one flaw or mistake to bring you down and ignore all the good you have ever done.

   United 93: The first counteroffensive in the war on terror

   Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There is nothing like having a midget for a butler.

   Warning: Alcohol may make people appear more doable than they actually are.

   The places where I think up the best jokes are usually in the shower and while driving... It must have something to do with being naked.

   He told me he doesn't have a beer gut...but it is just a protective covering for his rock hard abs!!

   BREAKING NEWS: In a surprisingly new Marital Sex Survey, men have reportedly finished the survey much quicker than women ....

   When you know why you like someone, it's a crush. When you have no reason or explanation, it's love.

   I recently lost a friend. Not a real one, just one on Facebook.

   15% of men see " <3 " as a heart. 85% see " <3 " as a party hat on boobs.

   The blue whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of sperm when mating. Only 10 percent enters the female. And you always wondered why the sea tasted salty?

   If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer... oh wait, he does.

   "One Direction" has 12 letters. So does "gayyyyyyyyyy". Coincidence? I think not.

   I'm not a psychologist,,, but I remember when a Hot Wheels track magically cured 80% of ADHD

   Dear Santa, Don't bother coming to my house this year. I've been naughty and it was f*cking worth it, you judgemental son of a b*tch!"

   Special note to all kids returning to school: If you see someone who is struggling to make friends or being bullied because he/she doesn't have many friends or because they are shy or not as pretty or not dressed in the most "in" clothes,PLEASE step up.

   Thank You Kellogg's® Crunchy Nut™ cereal for the great slogan “It's morning somewhere”…Now, when I have afternoon or evening wood for no apparent reason, I have an answer….

   Never trust a person with dry hands coming out of a bathroom

   Women can be funny sometimes... like when they say stuff like "Let's just be friends" or "Let me go and I won't tell the cops"