Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   The Broncos just announced that they are inducting Phillip Rivers in their ring of honor next week.

   I don't give advice because screwing up my own life requires my undivided attention

   They say good things come to those who wait. But I been waiting for this b*tch to leave my house n she still here lounging.

   Cactuses are just angry pickles.

   Some of you I'd like to take under my wing like a mother hen. Others of you I'd like to trap between my thighs like the Cougar that I am.

   I told her she has a nice ass. As a lady, she looked at me like my mom didn't raise me right. But we all know she'll smile about it in the ladies room.

   This isn't quite what I wanted to be when I grew up, but it was the best I could do on such short notice.

   I have often regretted my speech, never my silence...

   My futon might pull out, but I don't!

   My philosophy? People who have creepy dungeons probably don't wear a watch. So, when a stranger asks for the time, I pepper spay them.

   When I walk out naked to get the paper.. Squirrels are in awe

   I just wrote a note to my utilities company: Dear Utilities, Life is full of surprises. This month we won't be paying our bill. SURPRISE!

   Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

   I would like the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a bottle of Jack Daniels as a backup plan.

   Some people are as useless as rubber lips on a woodpecker.

   likes to applaud inanimate objects just to see if they react 

   my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts

   working up one hell of a sweat by wearing my "Snuggie" while using "Shakeweights", thank God for "Shamwow" to mop up this mess.

   If I keep procrastinating like this, I'm going to end up back in yesterday.

   There's a new device that can turn thoughts into speech. I have had that for years, it's called alcohol.