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When a woman gets the security guard and points at you; that means she's interested right? 
A great thing about being single is never having to erase your history tab.
I wish Beyonce & Jay-Z would get on stage and present their baby to the world like Mufasa did in the Lion King.
It sucks when the trailer makes a movie seem funny but when you watch it you realize that literally all the funny parts were just in the trailer.
Drugs and alcohol are never the answer. Unless someone asked me, "What are you doing this weekend?"
That uneasy moment when you finish watching a TV series and you don't know what to do with your life any more.
If you don't discipline your child, life will.
They say Time is the best healer- That's why they make you sit and wait for so long in a doctor's office !
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with 'Star Wars'. I said: "May divorce be with you."
If god did not want us to eat animals he would not have made them out of meat!
I am not saying I hate you or anything but if you were ever badly hurt and I had the only phone to call you an ambulance I would order pizza delivery first.
Just my normal Saturday, trimming my bonsai tree and teachin' the new kid in my building some karate
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he's going to be Taken 4: Granted
Lesbians are just guys I am not allowed to punch.
I prefer to call it a "Ta-Da" list. Cause it'd be fu*king amazing if I actually accomplished anything on it.
Stop acknowledging the retard's presence. Ignore his existence.
My girlfriend just said that I put sports before our relationship. Bull$hit. It’s our sixth season together.
I was so ugly as a child that the local pedophile used to eat his own candy.
I want a closed-casket funeral when I die. And in case anyone opens it, I want one of those boxing gloves on a spring to shoot out.
Ladies, we don't really want a sandwich after sex, we just want you to get out of the bed so we can go to sleep
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