Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I don't care what happens when FATHER catches DAUGHTER on her WEBCAM! Stop posting that darn link to my wall!!

   You're not ugly, your simply hard to look at...that's ALL!!

   During sex my girl always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

   heard that results of a new study finds that two-thirds of Americans believe that torture is sometimes justified. Ahhh, so that helps explain why The Bachelor is still on the air.

   I saw a dog walking his blonde earlier today.

   ...says there's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away...

   Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes close

   I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.

   I don't like how Facebook asks "What's on your mind?" I usually just lie and live with the guilt.

   ...easy there, don't cry, it's OK. Everyone makes mistakes...take your parents for example

   busy creating an excuse for not coming into work tomorrow.

   Sometimes you have to be completely torn down before you can be rebuilt.

   I hate it when you go to bed and you finally convince yourself that the spot on the wall is just a piece of dirt or something, and then it totally starts crawling towards you!

   Also, when asked by police if you have any weapons or drugs, never say "Why? What do you need?"

   The YMCA has officially shortened it's name to "The Y". You know times are tough when letters are even getting laid off.

   Turns out, when the officer asks why you're not wearing a seatbelt, pretending to have T-Rex arms is only hilarious to you.

   When someone smells nice, it automatically makes them more attractive.

   (texting from my jail cell)Yesterday was International Ninja Day, when people were encouraged to carry toy weapons and wear black masks. And as I found out the hard way, my bank wasn't celebrating it.

   "im gonna have to steal this" my number one "compliment"

   ‎"Till Death Do Us Part" should just be changed to "Till Sh!t Happens" during the wedding vows, coz people don't wait for “Death” anyways.