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i miss the 1970s when you could ignore a call without even knowing who it was 
Am sorry I asked you 'Who is the father' when you told me your wife is pregnant.
Dear Hollywood, If you want to make your zombie movies more realistic you need to stop creating zombies with scars unless you expect us to believe someone is stitching them up.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say "Over there."
Yes, Lets use the little blonde girl in braid ~Hitler~
The things I do to make my wife happy. I'm wearing her underwear. She doesn't know I'm wearing them but when she puts them on this morning she'll think she lost weight.
Laughs, joy, rainbows, outstanding, butterflies, sunlight, weekends, love, cheers, relaxing, Saturdays, extraordinary, hilarious, moonlight, optimistic, peaceful, romance - Just changing my Facebook algorithms with keywords to see happier posts!
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income. me: no problem broker: Where are you currently employed? me: Spirit Halloween
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you're texting while driving.
You seem like the type of person who wears a helmet when you go jogging.
Freudian slips happen to the breast of us.
We say we don't want Mexicans to take jobs away from us. Do we really want a job to clean up and shovel crap around???
Dear Maytag: Why don't your clothes dryers have a "Fold" cycle? It's 2017 for Chrissake. -Me
Inside my house I have a smaller house that keeps food cold and an even smaller house that heats food up...
I still don't understand why Oprah didn't use "Come to Oprah and Winfrey gifts!" as a slogan for her show
With most women it's not about how much money you make, what you drive or where you live at......LOL Who am I kidding, even the homeless women go after the homeless guys with the most stuff
I need a bumper sticker that says "Sorry for driving so close in front of you."
To all the NSA agents reading this right now, I just want to say sorry that my life is so boring.
I signed up for aerobics classes and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I had any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place! 