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I see Netflix is already making documentaries about the Coronavirus. Like jeez thanks Netflix just what I want to watch! 
My paperless origami business folded.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
"Let's make sure there's 3 miles of handicap parking." -Walmart
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
My husband is so not into sex, he thinks foreplay is a golf term.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Ironically "Chumbawamba" totally got knocked down and never got up again
I wonder if Santa Clause is going to have to wear a mask this year....
North Korea fired a Ballistic missile today. Guess they're out of Ballistic missiles now .
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like "Dude, you have to wait."
Feels weird when your computer asks if you'd like to continue unprotected....
If you are in a relationship and all you do is cry, you will have to ask yourself,"am I dating a human or an onion?"
The fact that Pitbul is even considered a musician is more disgusting than the fact that toothpaste was invented years after french kissing was.
I need one of you to stand up at my funeral and ask for his toaster back... thanks in advance
My diet can be best described as carb loading for a marathon I'll never run.
My therapist says I am too preoccupied by vengeance.... We'll see about that.
My wife said if I don't get off this damn computer in 5 sec she is gonna smash my head on the keyboard lol I think she is just kidgidudckglblgtieeussyupjfufivi
To all the "Type 'Yes' and share if you agree" posters: Shaddup.
At the time getting into a relationship seemed like a good idea... but then again so did getting on the Titanic 