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You must first feel comfortable in someone else's skin before you can feel comfortable in your own. --Psycho Therapy 
I don't understand why this loan manager won't get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
The only thing I've ever made from scratch was dandruff.
By the third kid you say stuff like "here's a dollar. Throw your tooth in the garbage and the Tooth fairy will pick it out later."
Who would have thought - even our death is manufactured in China
I've never Kung Fu kicked so many toilet seats in all my life.
10th day without sports and I find a woman sitting on my couch, she says she's my wife. She seems nice
You know that stash of fast food napkins in your glove box? It’s about to be their time to shine.
We all need to join together and practice social distancing.
Dear toilet paper companies I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
If you watched a movie of my life backwards it would be about a guy who refills beer cans and puts them back into the fridge.
Just checked my Farmville for the first time in 8 years... Squatters built a meth lab in the barn
New Deluxe never used 2020 planner - super cheap!
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Quarantine tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
Who remembers when "Never before my coffee" used to be called social distancing?
Eskimos have over thirty words for ‘snow.’ That’s nothing, my wife has over 100 words for ‘F - off I’ve got a headache.’
My soul mate is probably driving alone with a mask on. Come pick me up stupid. 