Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Why is drake worried if Kiki loves him.. I thought he only loves his bed and his momma

   no one could ever hate me half as much as I dont care

   I wonder if Flo from the Progressive commercials has a nephew. If she does, I feel kind of bad for him. I mean, its gotta be a little awkward telling his friends that his Aunt Flo is coming to town.

   What if you are an atheist, and you're stuck behind a guy with a "Honk if You Love Jesus" bumper sticker at a traffic light?

   My dog is one of those trained to sniff drugs!..he's brilliant and can even roll up his own $20 bill.

   Never trust a person who doesn't sing along to Bohemian rhapsody when it comes on the radio!

   Drinking rum before 10am makes you a pirate, not an alcoholic!

   Start each day with a smile and get it over with.

   One thing to say to the 93 year old lady who won the lottery, "Hey, How ya doin?"

   What I learned in high school: Don't dump Gatorade on your coach's head, especially if you lost the game.

   You can't out run the law. A Chehalis Washington judge removes robe and gave chase and captured two handcuffed prisoners that fled his court room.

   I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task.

   We say we don't want Mexicans to take jobs away from us. Do we really want a job to clean up and shovel crap around???

   Dear Maytag: Why don't your clothes dryers have a "Fold" cycle? It's 2017 for Chrissake. -Me

   Inside my house I have a smaller house that keeps food cold and an even smaller house that heats food up...

   I still don't understand why Oprah didn't use "Come to Oprah and Winfrey gifts!" as a slogan for her show

   With most women it's not about how much money you make, what you drive or where you live at......LOL Who am I kidding, even the homeless women go after the homeless guys with the most stuff

   I need a bumper sticker that says "Sorry for driving so close in front of you."

   To all the NSA agents reading this right now, I just want to say sorry that my life is so boring.

   I signed up for aerobics classes and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I had any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!