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It’s actually the voices outside my head that bothers me the most … 
Can't wait til this election travesty is over so we can all get back to disliking each other for reasons other than poor political choices.
You know what clowns are afraid of? Bullets.
How to Defeat Bears: 1) Play dead. 2) Stand up tall. 3) Have them use Jay Cutler as their quarterback.
Guarantees in life: 1) Death. 2) A restaurant server will ask how everything is while your mouth is full but never be around when you need a refill.
Don't date guys from the internet. The last guy said he lived in a gated community. Prison, he meant prison.
Back in my day, we didn’t have Instagram. We had to bore people in person with photo albums.
Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus.
My wife says I talk in my sleep, but nobody at work has ever mentioned it..
Social Media is a cruel and shallow disingenuous trench, a long cyber hallway where lies and anger run free, and good people are treated like dogs. There's also a negative side.
During times of Universal Deceit, Telling the Truth becomes a Revolutionary Act.
After five minutes of talking to you I can already tell that all these books on your shelves are just for decoration.
Guestroom Ceiling Fan Levels: 1) barely moving 2) maybe faster 3) God spake unto Job from the whirlwind
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
I do less before 9AM than most people don't do all day.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
My entire work day has just been me moving the mouse so the screen doesn’t go to sleep.
Don't come to me for advice. We'll just end up at the liquor store...
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